Let's Ask the Cast!
by Caspre
Summary: A series of interviews with our favorite Characters! What are they like off the screen and how do they get on with their colleagues?
1. Let's Ask Zelda!

**Interview One: Zelda, Princess of Hyrule.**

**Instead of an interview, Zelda asked us to just follow her around for a day, saying that just a little interview could not capture her "awesomeness!". **

**In this short briefing of a day of her life, she: doesn't even have a clue that she set Link on his adventure, robbing him of his childhood, discusses Impa's sexuality and nearly manages to kill off Link which would result in Hyrule being conquered and no internet service!**

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**Let's Ask Zelda!**

Ok, ok, so I'm sitting in my room, painting my toenails (I thought gold would look pretty good, I want to be all _metallic chic_) When all of a sudden Impa bursts in completely out of breath before wheezing:

"P-princess…the Hero has reached the Forest! It is time for you to teach him the song! You must hurry! He's very weak, a moblin nearly took off his leg and Ganon had some dark monsters chase after him for hours across Hyrule!"

I sighed. Why did EVERYTHING have to happen to ME?! This sad little boy is always turning up somehow, inconveniencing me! He sneaks into my garden, like he's worthy of setting his eyes upon me. I remember I'd had this wacky dream before then. Impa gave me some tranquilizers to calm me down so I think I told him about the dream for some retarded reason. I was high! I think I remember actually asking him to help! Well it's not like he listened or anything so never mind. It's hardly affected his life has it?

"Ok…give me a second," I called, turning my attention to my nails.

"Oh, and another thing, you're going to have to disguise yourself. Some court order apparently."

"Huh? Why?"

"Well your father heard some little girls talking about how you two should get together, but he was hoping he would force you to marry your cousin, Imeldo-" (Ugh, complete hog face)-"So he had the girl's executed and a restraining order against you two."

"Well that's great, so I don't have to go?" I asked hopefully, my nails would take the whole afternoon!

"Well, you need to teach him the song, another court order, sooo we can just disguise you, hmm?"

"Who am I supposed to disguise myself as?" I shrieked. I was planning to seriously spruce myself up when I next saw him. I really wanted to make him bitter and long for me when I next saw him, show him how hot I was. Damn Impa! What did she think the nail varnish was _for_?

"Well…Maybe disguising you as a member of the Sheikah tribe wouldn't be too shabby?" She suggested, long lost memories of being some crazy ninja throwing deku nuts in people's faces flashing through her eyes.

I rolled _my_ eyes.

"Impa, that's all you ever think about. If you love the Sheikah tribe so much, why don't you resign and set up a museum instead of trying to dress me up as an ancient, moldy old coot who plays a little piece of wood with strings?!"

I guess that's what made her snap. She was a bit protective of her stuffy old heritage.

"**WEAR THESE!!"**She roared, pushing me against a wall and shoving the clothes at me, her mouth foaming and her red eyeballs bulging. I, however, stayed cool and said:

"Sure, whatever. What's my name going to be?"

Suddenly she retreated, causing me to fall onto the floor and SMUDGE my nail polish. Her eyes glazed over as she looked into the distance.

"Sheik." She said simply. I rolled my eyes again. Like that wasn't obvious…! She saw my skeptical expression and she started to look a bit scary again.

"He was my first love, I'll have you know!" She snapped edgily. I was a bit surprised.

"_He_?!...aren't you-?"

"**LEARN HOW TO PLAY THIS WITHIN THE NEXT TEN MINUTES!!"**She screamed, pulling a harp from behind her back and throwing it at my face. Luckily I ducked and it hit the portrait of my dead mum. _Phew…that was close_! I thought. I picked it up gingerly.

"She wants me to learn how to play this? With what freaking music?" I said to myself incredulously. To my relief, and discomfort, she was listening at the door and I saw a piece of paper being shoved through its bottom.

Ew…sorry.

It was quite a bit of music! I could see the first piece, with the title:

**Minuet of Forest- Sacred Forest**

Again, obvious.

Sooo I set to work, but started to scream as I broke a nail! Oh my GOD do you know how rarely I can have pristine nails?! With all this freaking magic I have to use they're CONSTANTLY getting chipped!!

"**CARRY ON YOU SPOILT BRAT!!"** Impa screamed from outside. I muttered grumpily and carried on. This wasn't fun.

EVENTUALLY I had the song pretty much sorted. So with a sigh and a good luck from Impa, not to mention a death threat if I showed up the Sheikah tribe, she threw a deku nut at me (Wow…totally new, I've never seen THAT trick…!) and I found myself standing behind that weird gawky kid- oops my mistake, now a bit of a hotty! He was just staring at a tree stump.

_Uh-oh. Maybe whatever he's doing is getting to him a bit_. I thought to myself. _Actually, what IS he doing? Cos I get all these letters from him saying: _

"_Hey Zel _(Zel, how "hip" can I NEVER get a "your majesty"?!), _I've finished up inside the fish's belly, I had to feed it some fish though, and this Zora came onto me and said we're engaged! Can humans marry fish? Anyway, I have the stones now." _

I'd assumed he meant kidney stones. Apart from that, I thought he just got as high as I was on those tranquilizers and sent people retarded mail! I assumed he was on some random vacation.

"Um. Hi." I said. He spun around and looked at me shiftily. He drew out his sword but I just looked at him like "Oh yeah, cos THAT'S gonna help you."

He lowered it warily.

"Well that was a nice little greeting." I said lazily. I then realized that I didn't sound a lot like a bloke so I tried to lower my voice. "Um…sup, dawg. Look, I've come to tell you that…" I pulled out a note from my pocket that Impa had written. "Ahem. '_Hero of Time'_-Hero of time? What the heck kind of title is that?" I said. The guy just looked at me. The strong and silent type hm? Or maybe just weedy and boring. I raised an eyebrow and carried on.

"'_You have skipped seven years of your life'_- What, were you in a coma or something?"

Silence again.

"…ooook. '_And now you must travel even further through the forests of truth, the flames of destiny, the whirlpools of wisdom, the secrets of the departed and the vibes of the-_' oh whatever, listen, I've got to show you this song if you wanna get back here in case you chicken out, but you'd better not. I dunno why you're here or anything, but it seems like it's important to the whole of Hyrule and it's your destiny!!...or whatever, so Hyrule better not go up in flames or- or lose its telephone service ok? PLUS it's the prom soon and there's no WAY I'm missing THAT!"

Suddenly I sounded like a gay guy and from what Impa _says_…they probably don't like gays... (Except for Impa) He looked at me weird again. SHEESH! I mean talk about condescending!

"Aw jeez…" I muttered to myself, and picked up the harp. The next few minutes were slow and painful.

"Ok…" I breathed, holding the harp a little wonkily.

TWANG!

"Oops- just let me-"

TWONG!

"Just needs a bit of tuning, I-"

PING!

"It's my first performance so-"

SNAP!!

Oops….I thought to myself as I looked at the broken string. I sighed and turned to the boy, who was holding his little crappy instrument that I wouldn't look twice at in a store. He had it paused in front of his mouth at the ready. What's so special about that piece of…(actually, what ARE ocarina's made out of?!

"Umm…Oh FOR DIN'S SAKE!" I burst out. "Look, the whole harp idea is just for the atmosphere and the cinematic appeal ok! What's the difference if I just sing it? Ok, it goes like….LA LA LA LAAAA LALALALA LA. You got that?"

He just stared at me and tootled out a little tune that was completely different from mine. Retard. Suddenly this little…thing with wings popped out from behind him and squeaked:

"WANNA WARP TO GANON'S HOUSE?"

The guy shook his head so hard his hat fell off; he had turned marble white and was sweating.

"Oh GOD yes! Just bloody well take him away would you??" I said to the fairy for him, completely bored of this whole situation; the sooner he left, the sooner I could re-polish and file my nails.

As the little pixie thing wooshed him out of site as the guy yelled in protest. I mocked waving him goodbye and found a deku nut. Before I knew it I was back in my bedroom, my nail varnish perched on my window sill, ready for use. I had just run across to it, crying out my love for it when suddenly someone burst through the window, knocking my polish to the floor! The molten gold liquid spilled across the carpet and as the glass shattered I felt my heart follow- too corny, ok- it, like, totally went EVERYWHERE!! I screamed and looked up at the culprit.

"YOU" I shrieked, pointing my poor nail varnished orphaned finger at that annoying mute whose kinda hot but has a weird attatchement to a hat...PINK! That's his name. I actually have a few of his albums...So Yeah, he smashes through my window and ruins my nail varnish and expects a warm welcome? Although he looked kind of rugged- not to mention half dead since I sent him to that ASBO Ganon's house- and handsome just standing on my window sill, looking angry in a sexy kinda way with scars all over him.

_I forget why I'm angry at him...he...did he insult my clothes? Did he...hsnmjtsk..._

That was my brain melting at his appearace, the rugged, handsome and sexily angry one. My finger wagging came to a halt as I stood staring at him, my mouth hanging open loosely, not my most alluring look I admit.

"You..." I repeated, just staring at him. His angry expression turned into a confused one.

_Are you ok?_ He asked with his eyes, because he was STILL a weird little mute. This put me off a bit, strong and silent was not a man's _forte _in my book! Not that I read...tch!

"I'm fine, just wandering what you're doing here, you wanna autograph or something?" I yawned, bored by his prescence. He raised an eyebrow looking slightly miffed.

"Oh! I sent you to Ganon's Crib didn't I...how'd that go?" I asked, grinning toothily. He looked like an agitated bull by this time. I smiled apologetically and shrugged hopefully, expecting him to swoon, grovel at my half varnished toenails and beg my forgiveness for just turning up without an email. But I just got him angry again.

He looked at me, as if to say _Apology not accepted, your highness and I hate your dress!_ Which is a hard look to acheive. I stared at him for a second, and clutched my skirts defensively.

"Y-you don't like my dress?" I whispered, astounded. He nodded bitterly.

"And this is coming from the guy in tights?" I started to laugh at him. He turned red and pounced down from the window sill. He stood like a little child and howled out:

"I CAN'T HELP IT! I WOKE UP DRESSED LIKE THIS AFTER THE SEVEN YEARS OF SLUMBER TO PROTECT YOU AND THIS DAMNED KINGDOM!" speaking for the first time EVER.

I stood and stared for a second.

"What are you- like, a Chronic Narcoleptic? And who the hell dressed you, Peter Pan?"

"Actually, it was Rauru, the sage of light." He corrected me stonily, lacking dignity.

"Huh." I said, "Then how come he didn't dress you in a huge dressing gown like his?"

"Look this isn't the point! I've come here to...well I don't know, make you feel bad about nearly KILLING me!!" He yelled, drawing and pointing his sword to my chest.

I raised a perfected eyebrow. I mean, I'm not impressed. If he wants to make me feel bad, why not just cut up my credit card. Although I'm not stupid enough to give him that idea, I'd rather take the sword thanks.

"Cut up your credit cards!?" Oh FRICK! Did I just say that out loud? Being a Bimbo requires constant concentration now Impa's on a date or something.

"NO! I was being sarcazic!"

"You mean _sarcastic_?"

"Duh." My cheeks burned. Suddenly this huge bright thing popped out from behind him.

"JUST SNOG HER AND LETS GO! I GOTTA USE THE TOILET!!" It bellowd in a voice surprisingly low for such a little thing. It'd look cute as an accessory. But _not _for a guy.

"How much for the floaty thingy with the bad mood?"

He looked as though I was an angel. Of course, I _am _so it didn't surprise me as it might surprise you. You're looking a little…off today.

"Anything, she's free!" He choked-_she_?- before the blue thing smashed into his head.

"DON'T YOU DARE GIVE ME AWAY!" _She _(apparently) screamed, but she was already in a cute little jar. I put her by my bed.

"She could make a good night light." I thought aloud, as she bounced around in fury.

"Well I'd better be off." This guy said hastily. RUDE! I mean, I just took this warped stress-ball off his hands and he bolts! He could at least snog me like she suggested!

"What? As the princess of Hyrule, I totally demand you to-"

"Princess?! You're a guy! I thought you just broke in here and were painting your nails because…you're a whoopsie?"

"A **GUY**_**?!**_" I screamed, not unlike Impa, "What are you talking abo- Oh."

I was still wearing the stupid costume.

"So…you're Zelda?!"

"Well, yes." I said smugly, "Like, totally bow down if you must, squire."

His face lit up like I was handing out free triforces, "It's me, Link!"

Oh _shit! _Not Pink, _Link. _I _knew _I recognized him from somewhere!

"Oh…hey, Link." I said, slowly edging away from him.

You see, me and Link met up once- he snuck into my garden, PEASANT- and I asked for his number. I was a little bored. He's not really my type. Blondes shouldn't go for blondes and he had a kind of violent streak. Anyway, he told me to call him and well…

"You didn't ever call me…" He said sadly, but soon it turns to, like, total accusation.

"How come you never called me?" But I totally thought quicker than him- I _know- _like, revelation!

I snatched his ocarina and managed to tootle out some weird tune. The night light screamed through the glass:

"WANNA WARP TO RUTO'S ROOM!?"

"**NOOOO**!" He screamed, "ANYWHERE BUT THERE, TAKE ME BACK TO GANON'S-"

"OH GOD YES!" I shrieked, "BUT TAKE THIS NOOB INSTEAD!"

And they were gone , leaving behind a bit of fairy dust. Pretty.

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**Next Interview: Link**

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	2. Let's Ask Link!

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**Let's Ask Link!**

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**P.S. Basically Link is addressing the Interviewer throughout. She's female, unluckily for her, because Link- behind the scenes of course- is just a **_**leetle **_**bit of a flirt. COUGH (humps anything with a skirt).**

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Hey, Baby. How psyched are you to actually be meeting…wait for it…**the **Link. I mean, if it was me, then-seriously-I'd be like all over me.

Why _wouldn't _I be?

What's that, hun- Arrogant? Tch. We all know that it's one of the sexiest qualities in a dude-_not-that-I-like-dudes_. I'm very much Macho. I mean, I don't _bat for the other team _if you know what I mean. I don't _butter the other side of the bread _if you catch my drift. I- oh you get it? Good.

But yeah, arrogance is one of the most sexy things about a guy, that and jealousy. (winks)

What do you _mean _it doesn't turn you on?

…Can we just get to the questions please?

'Who did I get on best with in the Cast?'

WELL! That's a hard decision- did you SEE how many hot babes there were on the set? I'm telling ya- like a kid in a candy store. And of course, they all wanted to get to know me a little better- well a _lot _better if you know what I- wow you interrupt a lot don't you?

What do you mean it's important that you do?

So what if you're recording this?

Fine, I'll get to the point…

I think it'd have to be…Zelda. I mean, she was the co-star. Although she didn't get as many lines or any action. I don't think she could cope with all the work, really, bless her. We had a really intense partnership, y'know? She was all like, _"Link you're so amazing. We should hook up after this."_

Uhhh no actually we didn't hook up.

Of _course _it was my decision. I mean, why wouldn't she-

What?

So…you talked to Zelda?

Well, (laughs uncertainly) she can be a bit…well she lies. A lot. She's crazy.

Ok, I _did _give her my number.

Yes, of course she asked for it! I'm not desperate…

Did she call me?

…Y-yeah of COURSE she did! I mean, it's _me _Link! **The **Link! (shifts in his seat)

What was my favorite part of the game?

WELL, there wa- what do you _mean_ it can not be about the ladies? What else _is _there to the game?

…Quests? Pfft.. ok there might have been a few but it's not like they were the main element of the game**! HOT** BABES, babe!

Fine…I'll answer the question 'maturely'…

(Bored voice) I think the most enlightening part of the game- which helped me blossom as a human being- was probably defeating the evil Ganon and saving all of Hyrule from certain peril blah de blah but I _did _also enjoy spending time with the la-

Hmpf. Fine.

What was it like working with a horse? …Well it was OK I guess. I mean, she was a total babe magnet- OK! OK! Just put your shoe BACK on...

Ok...that's better, isn't it?

But yeah she was too tame y'know? Click your fingers- well, just play a song on the Ocarina- and she'd come running.

I look for a certain rebellion in a women, yeah?

Cos I'm, like, a Free Spirit. (Flips fringe)

…It does SO make sense!

..Next question please!

My fan base? Yeah it's HUGE! They like the tights, ya see. But of course my looks and skill and natural charm win the argument.

…Well what would YOU know?

Tch. Whatever, I love a challenge. (winks)

_OUCH!_ Those are sharp points on those boots, you know! What's your problem?!

Suuure you just slipped…(dark look) Anyway- you have statistics on my Fan Base? Awesome!

So what percentage of them is hot?

…90 percent.. Is a (whispers) _gay fan base?_

(wild screeching laughter as he wipes brow) **HAHAHA!** Oh stop it! That's FUNNY! Heh…

No seriously, stop it.

…You're serious?!

… (broken voice) _Next question please..._

We're finished? You mean that's it?

_Thank God.._nothing! I didn't say anything!

Well, it was definitely fun talking with you, Hun. As I said, I like a challenge, a _quest_ as you put it...and I think you might be on the 'easy' setti-

**OWWW!!**

(clutches face) Well…(swallows) that's not the first time I've been slapped…

What do you **_MEAN_** you're not surprised?!

--

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**Next Interview: Ganon**

**SPECIAL REQUEST: I'd really appreciate some suggestions for what Questions the Interviewer should ask Ganon :D That way, it'll be as if you guys are personally asking them, and my questions aren't FAB and I'd love the Fic to make you readers feel included!**

**Caspre x**

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	3. Let's Ask Ganondorf!

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**Let's Ask Ganondorf!**

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**THIS Interview (I don't want them to all be the same) is basically on a Chat Show. :)**

**Oh and all the members of the Audience asking Ganon stuff are my reviewers who sent in their own questions because of my request. Thanks! ;D**

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Lights!

Camera!

_ACTION!_

There's a bright eyed woman already sitting on a sofa, and she beams at the applauding pointed-eared crowd. They're too busy whooping and clapping to the bright and bouncy theme tune to notice the twitch jumping in her cheek. (It's hard to smile so wide for so long)

"Hello there," She calls to the camera, waving enthusiastically, "Today we talk about issues like why leaves vary in appearance and whether spoons and forks should be merged together to create the 'Spork' to cut household costs." (I never said it was an _interesting _show!) "But first, we have a very special guest! Please welcome- under Police supervision- the King of Evil and leader of the Gerudos, GANONDORF!"

A heavy metal soundtrack booms through the speakers. The studio is filled with boos that sound like howling wolves and hissing as a huge dude with flaming red hair and eyes so wide and dark they resemble twining vortexes emerges from the wings. He shoots a look at the crowd and they immediately fall silent, quietly settling back into their seats. There's a squeak of a record as the music cuts out. Two police officers stand by him, holding his upper arms securely. As buff as they are _(They were specially selected- this is Television we're talking about)_ they look like weeds holding the Dark Lord's hands as they cross the studio. With one threatening growl they leap away from him and scuttle off stage, forgetting their very important duties. With surprising grace, Ganondorf takes his seat on the sofa opposite the host. He fills it like it is a small armchair and slouches casually backwards, looking quite at ease.

"Hello…Ganondorf." The host says shakily, clutching her knees so her knuckles turn white and her eyes widen with terror. Boy, she must get paid a lot.

"Good afternoon, Helena." He replies graciously, in a surprisingly soothing baritone rumble, "And please, call me Gann."

She just blinks at him, unable to believe his pleasant manner after that entrance.

"…Yes, well, it's l-lovely to have you on the show."

"Lovely to be here." He says warmly, his dark, deadly eyes twinkling.

"Well, let's start with discussing your career…"

"Ah, yes."

"Mhm…Um…Let me just…" Her hands fumble for her notes but she is shaking so much that there's an explosion of cards and she just sits there with her watery eyes, trembling head to toe.

"Come on, Sweetheart, we've rehearsed this," Ganondorf prods calmly, "The public was surprised…"

"T-the public was s-surpsised…"

"What are you so afraid of? You were fine rehearsing!" He says sweetly.

"That's when you were handcuffed and flanked with ten security guards!" She replies shrilly, apparently forgetting that this is a live broadcast.

"Well not anymore!" He reminds her in a sing song voice, "They were so much tastier than the ones in the Spirit Realm…" He licks his lips and there are worried looks from the audience. The host looks like she is about to have an aneurysm.

Luckily, a backstage guy runs on and thrusts a new collection of new note cards under Helena's nose. There's a brief applause as he experiences the one moment of glory he'll ever have in his life as he shoots off again.

"So!" Helena says, determined to keep her ratings up, "The public was very surprised to hear that you, unlike the rest of the Cast of The Legend of Zelda, Ocarina of Time, are _not _a fictional character! You are _actually _the spawn of the devil."

"Well yes, he was a surprisingly good father, contrary to belief." Ganondorf continued conversationally, oblivious to the terrified stillness of the crowd or simply not caring, "I was asked for personally by the Director. Apparently he'd heard of my delicious tyranny and just couldn't cast an actor for such a role as Ganondorf- named after me." He finished smugly.

"Mhm…well, other interviews from your co-workers have expressed that because of this, you've been a bit…this is just a quote, I _swear_!..._"Up your own arse" _?"

Ganon nods understandingly, but you can practically hear the storm clouds gathering.

"Link?"

"Well- yes, how did you know?"

"He's always felt a bit over shadowed by me," He confesses, with an air of mock sympathy, "I think he knew I was more attractive to the ladies." He seems to find this quite humorous, because he chuckles to himself for a few moments. Helena and the audience sit in silence, waiting for their hearts to regain their regular rhythm.

"…I think it's time the audience asks some questions." Helena babbles hastily, ignoring the wild gestures and pleading eyes from the crowd, "After this commercial."

_Theme Music._

_Are you tired of making the same exit? Do you want your speech at meetings to go out with a bang?_

_Then BUY THESE DEKU NUTS!_

_SIMPLY THROW THEM AND PEOPLE WILL BE SO SCARED THEY WONT NOTICE YOU RUNNING AWAY AFTER THE ANNOYING CRACK!_

**Impa's Deku Nuts**_- (Revealing Costume Not Included)  
_

_Theme Music._

"And we're back!" Helena chirrups happily- only because she's been drugged because the Directors don't think her anxiety is sending out the right message- "We're alllll gooood, right guys? Am I riiiiiiyyyyght?"

They simply stare at her.

"Ahem…OK so who wants to ask Ganondorf a question!?"

No hands go up. Everyone avoids both Ganon and Helena's gaze.

"He's signed a contract promising he won't hurt you?" She prompts dangerously.

A sweaty palm creeps up. Helena pounces on the poor victim.

"YES?!" She practically shoves the microphone at the audience member with such violence that they nearly swallow it.

"What's your name, Sweetie?" She asks angelically, with a manic glint of desperation in her eyes.

The girl gulps.

"I'm…The ALMIGHTY SQUIRREL QUEEN!" She states, without a shred of embarrassment. To yours and my surprise, her title is applauded by the crowd. With new-found confidence, she grabs the microphone and directs to Ganon- and I QUOTE-

"Ok! Dude, how did you get the Hallway in your castle to go all insane and crazy like that? It's wicked... Like seriously..."

Ganondorf smiles pleasantly at her, but I cannot deny the chill it sends through the room, despite his intentions.

"Well, that's all thanks to my Interior Designer, Derrick." He tells the fixated crowd, "It's the paintwork- an optical illusion."

"Huh." The Almighty Squirrel Queen says, unimpressed, "That's it?"

Ganondorf regards her with mild interest for a moment, before a lightning bolt strikes through the ceiling and leaves only a smoking mark on the ground where the girl once stood.

There's a collective gulp.

"Whoops." Ganon says lightly, "My Psychic Powers slipped. What can you do?"

And you'd think that no one else would dare to stand up.

But there's always one.

"_I _have a question." A hand adorned with black nail varnish shoots into the air and Helena simply threw the mic at her, as her blond perm had been singed from Ganondorf's previous mental 'slip'.

"How ya doin? Pink Prittstick here. So-what are your motives?"

"That's an interesting one…" Ganondorf contemplates this seriously, "I'd say…boredom, probably."

"Boredom?" Pink Prittstick asks, obviously not expecting this.

"Sure." He shrugs, "I guess I just like to watch people squirm."

Pink Prittstick blinks at him for a moment.

"Can I have your number?"

"Oh sit _down, _Pink." The girl sitting next to her yanks her down, rolling her eyes, "It's better that you _don't _start a relationship with the King of Evil, no matter how much of a perfect match you guys make."

"Any more questions?" Ganondorf invites the crowd.

The next person is tossed the microphone.

"Um, my name is Anonymous (**sometimes Reviewers use the stupidest names!**) and I'd like to ask…do you like, have multiple gerudo wives?"

It is Ganon's turn to blink.

"Well…no. Not exactly…" He shifts uncomfortably.

"Do they not find you attractive." It's more of an assumption than a question, with a huge dollop of sympathy.

"Of course they do!" He splutters, "It's just…well I'm already taken."

There are whispers of shock and glee, shooting through the crowd like electric sparks.

"What's her name?!" Pink Prittstick demands, leaping out of her seat despite her friend's best efforts to restrain her.

"…Roberto."

There's a silence. Pink Prittstick sits back down very slowly, turning a delicate shade of purple. Her friend stifles a chuckle.

"You're gay?!" One person asks.

"That's right." He admits, "I'd have thought it was obvious!"

"Well we thought the costume design wasn't your fault." Anonymous says. With an exasperated sigh, Ganondorf clicks a finger and reduces the rude person to a swarm of flies, which flurries out of the building.

"Any…more…questions?" He asks menacingly through gritted teeth.

Luckily, the microphone was salvaged from the attack, and one last person brave enough to face his wrath and breach of contract gets to their feet.

"My name's Omega. (Don't ask.) So- As an evil tyrant," There's a collection of 'ooohs', "Do you tend to attract girls…or boys…or drive them away?"

"Well, it depends on the person," He explains casually, "Some people are drawn to my disgusting ways and delightful violence, whereas others find it a bit off-putting."  
"So what does Roberto think about your bad side?" Omega asks mischievously.

"Well, he wants me to try and mend some of my ways," Ganondorf admits, "But most of the time he just accepts me for who I am."

Then there's a collective 'aahhh'.

"I-I think that's enough questions for today." Helena hurries-

"Wait!" The girl sitting beside Pink Prittstick jumps up, and sighing, Helena hands her the mic.

"I'm Caspre." She announces proudly, "And I just want to know…if you weren't acting, does that mean that Link _actually _beat you in the Final Battle fair and square?"

Silence.

**BOOM!**

As the smoke clears, the audience sees the scattered debris and the fact that Ganondorf is no where to be seen, having fled the scene.

Well, that answers_ that_ question.

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**Possibly my favourite one yet! **

**Next Interview: Epona- it's already been written so I don't need your questions. Thanks SO much for all your input though, it was really fun including it in the chapter. **

**Any requests for other Zelda Characters to be interviewed?**

_**Thanks Readers! **_


	4. Let's Ask Epona!

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**Let's Ask Epona!**

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**There WAS an interviewer in this, but it turns out Epona just wouldn't let him get a word in edgeways…you'll see lol!**

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Hey there, I'm Epona. You may remember my ass jiggling around your television screen as my pissy owner rode me and forced me to run through bushes and jump over fences to prove to some ginger girl that yes, he CAN ride a horse and seriously dismantle her bones by making her do hard labor, not to mention wasting all my carrots (on your screen, keep up!). Oh wait, I kind of like the ginger girl...but she keeps going on about how she has the X Factor, I mean, GET SOME NEW MATERIAL! The only reason I run towards that stupid song is because I wanna strangle the person playing it, but then I realize that I have hooves and all I can do is whinny and stand there like a dumbass with no initiative. Sometimes that Bastard who treats me like a slave just leaves me in the middle of the field, or outside the steps to that village I've never been allowed to see EVER! How come the escorts never get treated right?! It's always:  
"See ya later Epona! Thanks for the ride, I'll give you a carrot later," But it's always lettuce...what's a horse gonna do with floppy leaves? As if I don't have enough troubles to get along with. Like eating thistles when I'm grazing, or when Ganon's horse, Storm doesn't treat me right. He always promises that he'll be back real soon, and we can hang out by Lake Hylia but he's always got some other appointment, like a battle or a massacre. It's quite cool though, I'm the steed of a good guy, and he's the steed of a villain.

Plus I get all the gossip. Did you know Ganon wears a thong? You see, us horses can feel what underwear our masters are wearing, and Storm's pretty certain he can feel a lace thong underneath all that masculine armor. I guess on the bad days, when charities reach their goals or a child gets the giggles, he just likes to feel pretty.

It does get boring here mind, even with all the stories I know about Ganon. I try telling the other horses on the ranch but all they like to talk about is the chickens. You see, the chickens provide a sort of soap on the ranch. There's always some drama going on. Last week, Doris, the eldest hen laid one of the youngest Roosters, Darren's, egg. That brought up a lot of clucking, I can tell you.

I don't like it when Link decides to poke the chickens with his sword. If he aggravates them enough though they all gang up on him, pecking and crapping on him. He thought my whinnies were from terror- I was laughing my tail off!

On the subject, Link has gotten faaat! Instead of just mounting me this morning my hooves were sinking into the mud (NOT the best way to treat a recent hooficure!) Sure he looks muscled up, but I can feel his support pants on my spine like the scarecrow can feel that stick up his butt. He's been drinking too much Lon Lon Milk. Ever since that dumb Ginger Girl gave him a cow (Perhaps a symbol of her character) he's been on the Udders every night. I bet if I started squirting milk out of MY body parts he would treat me a little better! Anyway, every night, he bottles some of it, goes out to the market, and gets HAMMERED! And I have to carry him home! I know what you're thinking- _"You're his steed, you're MEANT to carry him around."_ But how about YOU give it a go, trudging along with some drunk, hiccupping, naked, fat dude, whose only clothing is his boots and his hat which, by the way, he's using as a sock for his, shall we say, "Little Buddy", and no, I'm not talking about that insane little pixie thing of his, if you catch my drift! But avoiding the most disgusting thing that will result in sleepless nights for us all, this "Navi" …thing, who as I've worked out is supposed to be guiding Link on a voyage to Glory or something goofy like that, better suits the role of a crappy life coach.

The few words you heard her speak were probably something charming like: "Hey, Listen!"

I can now confirm the company decided to dub the REAL content out. Which was something along the lines of…

"OI, YOU TURD! ARE YOU A COMPLETE RETARD OR ARE YOU JUST PLAYING HARD TO GET WITH THE GIANT, DROOLING, SPIDER FROM THE REALMS OF HELL BEHIND YOU?!"

And her outfit? It looks like a cool, ocean blue orb surrounding her as if it were a state of calm, but incidentally it's just a huge vein in her temple obscuring the rest of her whole being. She gets a bit stressed.

Wait a minute…Oh GOD I can hear that STUPID song again! And it's coming from the Gerudo Valley Entrance. Well it sounds like Link wants me to jump him across that broken bridge again and hit on some Gerudos.

Can I REALLY be bothered? Maybe I'll just ignore it this time, hit the hay, read some Hoofascopes, and watch a little Cuckoo Drama. What's his obsession anyway? Has no one told him yet that they're all secretly men? Well I can hardly judge, it took me a month to realize that Saria was actually in her late thirties.

Well, Gotta Trot, my master awaits for me to take him to his "Gal-Pals". And an interesting lap dance…

(exits)

Interviewer:…uhhh…could you repeat that?!

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_**Ok this chapter LOOKS short, but had a lot of content, you have to admit lol! I think this was the first Let's Ask... I'd written. No one ever asks the Steed...Then I got the idea of making it into a series.**_

**Next Interview: Navi**

**Oooh dear THIS is going to be a hectic one!**

**SPECIAL REQUEST: Would LOVE your questions for Navi guys! If so you'll be mentioned in the interview asking her, like Let's Ask Ganondorf! Because it's more fun that way :)**

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	5. Let's Ask Navi!

_**Sorry it's been so LONG! If you don't like this...well I'm sorry! If you want me to interview any other Characters before the big finale let me know...cos this is nearing the end now, folks! Let me know, and if you're going to recommend someone, then add a question you want to ask as well ;D Thanks! xx**_

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**Navi's interview had to be held in top security conditions- it was her time of the month -so the interviewer is talking to her from a studio…This interview is hosted by me! (You lucky reviewers who have sent in your questions will be phoning in shortly)**

The lights go up, and I'm sweating already- sure, I've interviewed hundreds of people, famous or infamous, but this is Navi, the pissiest…creature in the Gaming Industry. And that's the threat to my career- when people snap at me, I snap back. And if that happens I'm fired.

"_Can't you get a less temperamental guest?" _I'd pleaded. But my Boss simply said:

"_Sorry, Caspre- Navi is hot, hot, hot. Just relax, ok? Deep breaths...calming oceans...happy thoughts-oh and don't forget- if you pop, you're outta here." _And he waddled off puffing on a friggin cigar as I let out that 'calming' deep breath in a gush of air.

So here I am, sitting on this itchy coach and facing the gaping darkness of the camera lens.

"…Hi." I croak, baring my teeth in an attempt at a presenter's flashy smile, "I'm sure you've heard that today we have a very special guest- Navi the fairy, the Legendary Link's guide through his quest to save Hyrule! Urm, due to-" I squint at my lines on the screen a few feet away from me- "Transport difficulties? Huh…Well due to 'Transport difficulties' we are speaking to Navi from her…home."

The screen next to me reveals a glowing ball of energy, obscuring the dainty fairy writhing in what looked like sello-tape wound all over her. It seems to be a makeshift straight jacket. The little sprite isn't exactly a cool blue, it's more electric, buzzing and dangerous.

"Hey, Navi…" I say meekly.

"NNNNGRRRHHH." She growls, shuddering and shaking in her confines. A hand with a syringe appears and after Navi is pumped full of tranquilizers she manages to calm down. It took five minutes, in which I had to stall the viewers by talking about a load of crap. I'm surprised that alone didn't lose me my job.

"How are you?" I attempted.

"I'm doing ok…" She said blearily, drugged up to her wings on sedatives.

"Great. Really…really great." I tried, shuffling through my notes. My boss is glaring at me from off set, "What have you been up to these days?"

"I've…" She began.

"Yes?" I prod tensely

"I've…well…what the hell do you THINK I'VE BEEN DOING?!" She roars, Medusa once more, "I've been locked up because 'apparently' I'm UNHINGED!!" She begins to vibrate, the electric blue turning into a fiery, furious red.

"Ok, Ok, calm down, and let's just…ask another question." I whimper, "Your…let's say 'fans' are curious to know what you've been doing in your spare time since the end of your amazing quest."

She thinks about this for a moment.

"I have fans?" She asks, her shaking less violent now.

"Urr…yeah, 'fans!" I lie, smiling brightly. Maybe if I kept complimenting her we could get through this, "So what have you been up to?"

"Oh, y'knooow." She sings radiantly, the transition so sudden I nearly slide off my seat in pure bewilderment "Press conferences, interviews, signings-"

"Signings?" I cut in, "I didn't know you had hands-?"

"_Don't interrupt._" She snaps savagely, "And of course, I've been auditioning for the sequel to Ocarina of Time."

"A sequel?" I ask, intrigued.

"Well, yes, it's called the Majora's Mask and it's set after Link's done kicking Ganon's as-"

"Urm, this is a live interview, so if your could refrain from profanities…" I add meekly. And thank God, thank GOD she just continues without shrieking.

"Done kicking Ganon's butt, and in this he needs another fairy companion, so I've done an audition and I'm hoping for good news." Now she's back to her regular blue, "And to be honest, who could be better than me? I mean, I have the experience!" She titters lightly. My eye twitches.

"Mhm…" I squeak, and as if God could feel me about to wet my pants, the phone sound effect kicks off, "OHLOOKATTHAT we've got our first caller who is it who are you how are you what's your name tell us your question hehe (save me!)…"

"Uhh.." The voice hesitates, obviously bewildered by my shrill greeting, "This is Radiant Twilight Angel-"

Navi snorts, "Oh please!"

"Uhh, yeah, I just wanted to know, why did the Great Deku Tree assign YOU to Link and not another…_ normal_ fairy?"

Navi thinks about this. I nearly scream in fear of what is about to come. Didn't this Dumbass Twilight Angel just SEE what I had to subdue?!

"Because I had the stage presence, dollface." She drawls, a little patronizingly, "You wouldn't choose some air-ball with wings stuck on to just take up this very difficult procedure, now would ya?"

"See, this is what I'm talking about," RTA gabbles on, "You're so rude! And demanding- have you ever considered the fact that you're dependant on people doing what you say?"

Navi thinks about this.

"I've thought about this." She states, "And I realized I don't care. So what if I shout at people- have _you_ ever considered that it's the only way to get people to listen to me? What if being so small makes my voice tiny?"

"Oh…" RTA splutters to a halt, "Is that why you do it-?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Navi scoffs, "I'm just darn impatient! Take this for an example- next caller please."

"But-" RTA is cut off. I think even the Technical Team is scared of this fuzzball.

It takes more than five seconds for me to manage a swallow this time.

"Ok, who do we have on the line?" I croak.

"GRANGER GIRL!" A self-assured voice trills down the phone. I visibly cringe.

"…Please." Navi snarls, "Just ask your question and get off my line."

"OK!" Like water off a ducks back, "Navi: as the most evillest and annoyingest character ever by constantly repeating yourself, may I ask in that annoying... self-centered, repetetive brain of yours…"

"Go on?" Navi preens.

"Do you have a crush on Link? Cos if you do, PESTERING SHALL NOT GET YOU ANYWHERE!"

"And constantly shouting gets _you _nowhere." Navi points out acidly, "And no I do not have a crush on that butt nugget. I'm constantly hollering at this guy- and why? Because he likes doing his own thing! NOT saving the world, ooh no, he likes chatting up the peasant ranch girl, regardless of the lingering smell of dung! Or hunting down each of the Great Fairies, never mind the fact that they NEVER want to give him their number- Oh and did I mention that he gets a new piercing every week? He's running out of places to staple, I tell you!"

"Navi…"

"-You know in the original script we had a magnetic hookshot so you could hang of ceilings-"

"…Navi…?"

"-But they had to write it out because it kept getting attracted to his CROTCH-"

"NAVI!!"

"WHAT!!" She shrieks back, having returned to her furious and violent red. Not as crimson as me though. And as if things can't get worse- another phone sound effect interrupts us. It's not from the studio- it's at her end.

A mystery hand holds a phone bigger than she is next to her.

"Hello?" She asks curiously, calm ONCE more... "Oh, you're the audition call backs? Oh, well first off I would just like to say you've made a fantastic choice choosing me- I'm sorry?...You've...chosen another...fairy?"

I feel like bursting into tears- what more, what MORE can go wrong?!

Navi is deadly still. For a moment I'm convinced she's dead, and I'm about to sigh with relief when she talks again.

"...Well what's her name? Tattle? TATL? And what colour is she?"

I squeeze my eyes shut, praying that I find I'm interviewing anyone else, ANYONE, even Link- and there are rumours that he gropes female interviewers!

"YELLOW? HAH!" She screeches manically, "Well good luck trying to get good ratings with a puke coloured pixie! Good DAY!"

"Um...everything ok?" I whisper, braver than I ever have been. Navi turns her scorching gaze on me.

"Oh every thing's FINE! Except my own employers have betrayed me and how am I supposed to even HOPE of achieving an amazing career when I'm wound up in sticky tape-"

"SHH!" I spit, spraying saliva everywhere. And I mean everywhere.

Oh God…say goodbye to the best salary you've ever had…

"This is NOT a therapy session." I snap, on air, on television, LIVE, "Now calm yourself down, stop acting like a blue yoyo on steroids with WINGS attached, stop talking about the role that you couldn't even HOPE to acheive, not after your terrible performance in Ocarina of Time and answer your callers in a mature and friendly manner!"

"You can't-!" She begins, but I'm too wired up now…

"Oh, do NOT make me take you to my tennis sessions as one of my tennis balls- because nothing would satisfy me more than serving you as far away from me as possible with a racket that would surely cause horrible pain!"

I take a deep breath as I visualize my career swirling down the toilet bowl.

Heck, it was worth it.

"Well." Navi fumes.

"Clam it, Powder Puff." I seethe. I turn to the camera, deciding to at least round up my last show with a final caller.

"Who's on the line?" I sigh, resigned.

"Pink Prittstick." Comes a slightly awed voice, "I was going to ask something about Navi's ideal partner- y'know, whether it would be a bucket of ice to cool off in or something- but now, well I guess I'm forced to ask- were you two separated at birth or something?"

I close my eyes and clutch my temples, hoping to massage my way out of an approaching migraine.

"Pink Prittstick, clearly Navi and I are completely different species-"

"Oh III don't know," Pink Prittstick mused, "That sure is a lot of make up you're wearing there, Caspre."

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**_You can tell what happens next- Caspre's boss loves Pink Prittstick's sass so much, she replaces Caspre as presenter! She was getting fired anyway..._**

**_So I hope you liked it!_**

**_Remember- suggestions for any more characters to interview WITH questions you'd like to ask! If I get no requests then I'm moving on to a Big Finale which I still have to pull out of my ass somehow..._**

**_T'ra! _**


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